Life...the reason to live...

I never knew what it is like facing death… I remember from the movies, people cry out for mercy to be spared when the villains come after their lives. I always thought that it is really dreadful thing to be about to die…

Now, as I stare into the face of death, what I’m feeling is not fear but some sense of indifference to the events happening in front of me and more horrifyingly to me. Horrifying not because they are happening to me, but because of my indifference about things that are happening to me.

Somehow I felt there is something amiss here. I wondered what it could be. As the person first in the line fell to the ground with a thud, the thought took backstage. Now the predicament, how much I and the people behind me depend on my answer is glaring at me. There is no points for trying. Even though I know that there are people ahead of me and any of them could give an answer that would stop all this and set us all free. But I somehow felt it comes down to me- My answer. The answer I do not know. I felt a strong urgency to find the answer. I cannot say if it is because I wanted to know the answer myself or I knew my answer would do it. It may be both. I am sure it is surely not because I have doubts on the capabilities of those ahead of me. In fact they placed me here because according to them... well, more innovative, no…funny…no…I don’t have an adjective that fits the kind of answer we have to give. Neither did they. But they felt, the answer those ahead of me can give would be better than mine and those behind me will be less worthy than mine. It applies to all of us. 

This idea of standing in this order was of the same person who stood first in the line and now fell. Everyone felt if the person with the ability to give best answer stands first and succeeds all of us can be saved. But they actually missed one simple flaw in this approach. Since everyone feels that the person before him should save them as he has better answer than his no one would think what is their answer. And if the 1^st person fails the second would be unprepared…so will be 3^rd if the 2^nd fails. I mentioned this when they proposed this idea. But I could not propose anything else. so I suggested random order. But it was ignored and I’m given my position. I thought I would get 2^nd position but it is not to be. Whatever, I thought.

I came back to reality as the next shot fired. I wanted to prepare, so that even if I fail I would have tried. But my mind wasn’t cooperating. I looked back to find some answer from people behind me or the vast woods beyond that. But I felt lost from what I saw. What I saw is just same faces of different features. Every face is looking ahead, drained out of life, like the one asking for alms but without the hope of getting anything in return. I couldn’t see them longer than few seconds. I could feel people behind me look at me with hopeless plea..It is as if they are asking me “Please say something, anything that has the capacity to save our lives. Save me, please. Because you are better than me.”

I wanted some confidence to get going, when I looked back. But looking back, all it did is drain all of it to say the least. Out of curiosity or for hope looked ahead breaking the line slightly. 

"What the HELL", I exclaimed under my breath. Well this is THE HELL I felt. It has to be. If this is not hell I should tell you then hell would surely be better than this. If something can break a person, a person of these peoples caliber and courage and experience, to this. Then it has to be Hell. Or else all of us are fearing the wrong thing. Fear this not Hell. 

What I saw, that's not the fear of death. In fact it looked like they are trying to asking to be taken first. "Please kill me", their expression said. 

I thought I must be dreaming. I remember the look few minutes before, immediately after we settled forming the line, on the same faces it was the look of envy, for having got a chance to live a few more minutes than them. It was as if they were sure we would die today. But do not want to. Now they want to die. That is when it stuck me, may be they did think of their answers and that led to this.

I understand why I felt it has to be me. I am felt so appalled at what I saw that I recognized the irony of the situation. For the first time I realized what the question we are trying to answer.

The leader of the group who captured us asked us. He had a strong base but cold voice…I remember I liked his voice when I first heard it. The question is:

“I know you all are innocent and I will leave you all if you answer this question

Why do you want to live? give me a satisfying answer and I will leave you all…Now you decide who among you would give me the answer…you all decide among yourself and stand in the line you want to answer no change in it once formed…and if the first one succeeds all of you can leave this place safe…you have five minutes to arrange…Remember WHY DO YOU WANT TO LIVE.”

The Irony here is that we are asked the reason for why we want to live and the question erased all the hope and want to live. The reason why I felt it will came down to me is even more evident to me. I just wanted to think of nothing but the answer for why do I want to live. I asked myself why do I want to live. 

Silence. 

This isn't working. So I changed it, what is it in "you" that makes you want to be a part of your life. I don’t know why but some were from deep down from the valleys of neurons filled with thick branches of axons and dendrites so closely packed, a small husky voice answered. There is no reason why you want to be part of your own life. I knew how much true that is. But I wanted it so badly to be not true. I remember the faces of those behind me…no I cant give up. I can't be the same as all those people ahead of me who turned up their faces. But now I know how those ahead are all feeling.

May be it wont work this way. I thought ok you want to know why do you want to live. But you are not getting an answer so lets do it the other way round. As we always do. The reason why people ask you to not to think too much.

You do not know why you want to live, so answer this 

"Why don’t you want to die?"

“No I’m not saying I don’t want to die. I don’t mind dying but not this way, not now, not here.”

Ok then. Why not now?

“Come on I know I’ll have to die some day. But not this way yaar. See I never thought about how should or how I want to die. No one will. But for me idea of dying was not as terrifying an aspect as I’ve seen in others. Even today I’m not terrified of it as much as others, but…”

What…

“I’m not terrified…yes…but that is not because that I’m not afraid of death…”

Then?

“Because I some how knew I’ll not die today…I somehow felt this is not it…I know that…”

That's cocky given your predicament. Ok then how do you want do die?

“I cannot say that…”

……

“Hey wait I can tell you that…how do I tell this…ok…when ever I’ve seen some young man trying to catch a running bus I always used to think ‘come on I can catch way before he could manage’ and whenever I’ve seen an middle aged man leaving a bus after trying for it I always told myself ‘I would not leave that when I reach his age’. Whenever I’ve seen an old man ask for a seat for not being able to stand for long, I used to tell myself ‘I would never ask for seat’. But every time I told these things some husky voice from deep within used ask me. 

‘Are you sure?’

I just stroked it off saying yeah I’m sure. But now here I’m admitting it to you, I mean me.

“I don’t want to die, because I want to reach the age where I’ll be strong that small children around me would look at me and say 

‘Oh He is so strong’.

I dont want to die now because I want to be in the place where foot boarding in a bus in a long journey would be fun as I can do all the gupshup with my friends, there. I don't want to die now because I want to be in the place where I would be going through the road and some child asks me 

‘Uncle, could you please pass me the ball’ pointing at the ball at my feet. I would pick up the ball and throw it far from his reach to show him I’m not UNCLE. 

I don’t want to die now because the small journey in a crowded bus, inside the bus, would be tough to handle and I scream at the first person who unknowingly brushes against me. Projecting my anger on him, anger on myself for feeling the pain in my legs. 

I don’t want to die now because I would want to be in the place where I would listen to my weakening muscles and tiring legs. 

I want not to die now, because I would want to look at the younger people who once appreciated my strength and ask their help to do some normal work. I don’t want to die now because though I know this could be the truth I want to show the people this is not necessarily the truth. 

To show them one can live in a far better way, even when one goes on with age, than what they are leading. I don’t want to die now because I want to see what it is like dying naturally. Not to go into its stretched arms screaming, but gracefully hugging it as a partner does it at reunion, with a mocking smile…”

I don’t know how but at this point I've realized this conversation is not in my thoughts but I’m giving my answer to the killer, but I didn’t stop, I cannot. I carried on

“I know there is not much in my life till now I can look forward to. I know that all that I’ve is more than I deserve. I’ve great parents, who gave me so many things at such a great expense. I’ve such a great friends who care for me more than I hope for and more than I can pay for. I’ve such a great partner who loves me more than I can pray for. With all these I’ve never done anything that I can deserve all these. I’m never a performer always a mediocre."

"Every time I meet new people "I always wonder what is he/she good at?" I would always get an answer sooner or later. For everyone except for one person. The person whom I see everyday in the mirror I never got an answer for him.

"Whenever I set out to do anything and find myself doing the mediocre job. Whenever I see my teammates look at me with a look a disgust when I go to them for help on some very silly matter, or with a look of mocking when they find out how much pocket-sized my areas of knowledge are. Whenever I see a great job done in the only best possible way I know how small I feel in front of my own eyes. 

I’ve been through all these, I know I’m a fighting hard not to be mediocre. So there is not much to look forward to based on my past. Still I don’t want to die now. Yes I don’t want to die now for the same reason anyone would want to die. 

"Yes I don’t want to die today because I’m a mediocre".

"I want to prove myself that I’m not the mediocre that I have made out of myself. I want to live to show myself I am far better.

"To prove the world that performers are not born but made. Yes I want to live because I want to prove every one who doubted my capabilities, it could be possible that it was only me who doubted and God I hope so. But I want to prove to all of them that I’m not a mediocre.

“I want to live to see the day when I conquer the world of my defeats and emerge the winner.”

All of a sudden all went completely blank as a great light blinded all our eyes. And once it all subsided we could see we are not in the dry forest but prosperous green lands. The killer is gone but a great saint is in front of me smiling more divinely and yet more humanly than I’ve ever seen. He said, in the same beautiful voice but now with warmth in it.

“Congrats mister, I was an Yaksha king called Veerathdraksha. I was here due to a curse given by a Maharshi for disturbing his tapasya. He cursed me that I would be a killer who would kill every one by draining all their want to live by asking questions. He cursed that their want to death will be my strength. I have to be here till I meet a person who could defy the want of death that my questions inspire, by their will and determination. Today your will has given me freedom. I cannot stop but appreciate your will and would like to give a boon. Go for it!”

I am in too much a shock to talk. I am happier that my answer has won than anything. But the boon, had I not found my answer today I would have asked for the shortcuts to reach there. But today I got all the reasons why not to. Then I realized I’m not the first in the line. So I asked him if he could revive the lives of the people who died today ahead of me. He granted it and vanished after telling us we would not repeat this to anyone, even if we wanted to. 

Once our shock subsided and people are done with praising we are yet again set on our path, to find the right path out of these woods.