IIT Chemistry-1

“Hey how was it…” I asked Vivek…
“Yeah good…” he said with a wink… “I didn’t even understand what he was saying in few questions there…well that is IIT for you…How was yours…”
“Hmmm dunno…”I said not sure what to say “it was good…I think I did a good job…I mean I could answer up to some 70% of the questions…” I added as an afterthought with a smile “of course not sure how much of those mean any business to the evaluator”
“Oh…but still 70% of questions…it is good at least you understood something out of it and tried answering them…there are people who can’t even understand those many…” he said…

May be because I felt some sense of apprehension that I gave an impression that I didn’t do well, I added… “To my knowledge everything I wrote means sense… and are right and not sure how much contribution they will come up to if I could answer those questions completely…but whatever I wrote they are right and means sense in the context of those questions…”
“Ok…” he said…I felt he understood what I felt…
It took me sometime to realize that we are walking towards the main gate. “Hey why are you going to the main gate.”I asked, “Didn’t you bring your lunch.”
“Oh man sorry I forgot to tell you. There is a marriage of my cousin nearby I’ll be going there now. I cannot stand, sitting here idle for almost 2 hours, and added to it the next exam is chemistry. I don’t think it is even possible to discuss or something. So I thought I’ll go there.” he said.

It came as a shock for me. So now I’ve 2hours all for myself, with none but me to talk to. I didn’t know if I liked it or not. The prospect of being alone was never tiring for me. Is it the same today? I don’t know. But the shock wasn’t much so I thought it is ok, I’m not sure but I better be because that is what I should be if I’ve to survive next 2 hours.
However I told him… “Man this is preposterous. I’ll be all alone for the next two hours. It will be boring like hell.”

When we were waiting for his bus in the bus stop we met with his schoolmate, some Harsh, who happens to be a serious IIT aspirer and has been trained by one of the best institutes in the city, “Ramaiah IIT coaching centre.” During the course of the discussion with him I realized 2 things; 1 good 1 bad. Good is, all whatever I wrote was most part correct and contributed major part of the solution if completed. Bad is, I faltered, after doing the toughest part, at very simple, obvious in some cases, portions and the toughest part though contributes 80% in the solution contributes only 50% in the marks for the problem, according to him. Whatever…within 10 min he got the bus he has to catch…I don’t know where this Harsh has gone…and now I’m all alone…

The exam is about 2 hours from now…I didn’t know how to spend these 2 hours. I have nothing to do, nothing I could think of. I repented for once, not getting some books to the examination centre. I have 2 hours to spend so I thought let me plan so that it won’t be as tough as it can be. I realized that I’ve to eat my lunch. Haa that’s it I’ve half of an hour planned for. I remember the reputation I had as a very slow eater in school and college. That is going to be at my rescue. I should find some place to eat. WOW Jackpot it will take at least some 20 min. Great. Almost half of the time I had to bide is done for…Hurray!!!

I didn’t think of the remaining half that I have. I wanted to be an optimist by saying “The glass is half empty”. Just that the glass here is hour glass which lasts for 2 hours. I didn’t start searching the place instead looked at the watch to find 10 min have already gone by. I hit the Jackpot, I thought. I know I hate losing in a race. But today that is what I precisely want. Now I’m racing with time and I want time to out run me by many miles. But that is the irony. We can never out run time; we can never reach a place before time. But it almost grants you the impossible when you least expect it and more importantly least want it. It grants you a chance to go by its side; hand in hand.

I walked along to find the right place to eat. But as soon as I turned the corner I have seen the place. But I dint consider it and went on to search for a right place to eat. I hated this college I dunno why, no reason I can name or think of…it could be possible that I’m hating it for having to deal with it when I’m hating myself for doing what I’m doing. For having to deal with it in times of my weakness, when I’m doing what I hate to see someone do, pass time for sake of getting through it, thinking when they reach the destination, in a journey of wasting time, that they have won over time in race, when they actually didn’t race and actually gave up even before it started. I remember how much restless I used to be and how my cousin used to make fun of me when I couldn’t sleep in the afternoon. how I wanted to go out in to the scorching sun to do whatever is possible rather than sitting there and wait for the evening. That was when we used to go to my mom’s home town, for summer holidays, in my childhood.

I cannot say if it is the college management or the test organizers that have done it, but everything here is very well planned. They arranged a place…it looked like some parking area or something but looked very neat. Most of the people who came to take the test and those who came along to accompany them were having their lunch there. The place was like “Pushpaka Vimanam”; it looked as if irrespective of how many are there, it always had room for another. But I didn’t want to eat there. Then I went almost all over the college and decided that I would go to the place which I liked first.

It was on the steps, I thought, at the exit of some laboratory. At least it looked as much. I ate my lunch there. While I was having lunch 2 people came and joined me there for their lunch. Later I found that they are some representatives came there to get the hall ticket numbers and phone numbers of the students taking the exam, sent by some well known institutes of the state, which train aspirers of IIT to reach it. However they have come here to find the people who cannot make it this time. So that they can cash these, could-not-makers purpose less need for this IIT, and absorb them into their institutes for the next academic year. I didn’t like this particular practice. Most of those here, taking the exam today want to get through the examination today; at least all those who would want to make it at least next year if this year is not possible. But asking for details so that they can contact in case they fail to do it this year and offer an offer to join their institute, is like saying “we would rather want you to fail this year and get next year after you do our institute 2 favors one monetarily other fame.” That for me is atrocious.

However during my brief talk with those people, while they were taking my details, they informed me that even they don’t like this practice, and told me that they don’t expect me to be there in their institute next year and told me that they think I’ll get through this year. I told them that I wish the same and hope for it but I doubt it. However I assured them that they can’t expect me in their institute for sure.

Once I’m done with the lunch I looked at the watch, to find that I’ve done my lunch in just 20min, however, thanks to the discussion I made up for the unusual fast eating. In fact the discussion took me past my planned time, I, when looked at my watch after a short walk from my lunching spot, realized that I’ve around 55 min to plan for, what would have been 1hr 10 min had it not been for the discussion.
55 min. hmm…I thought, there I‘ll have to go to the exam room at least before 5 min of exam start so that it would be easier for me to get settled and give my best shot right from the word go. So, that means 5 min and to be there at least with 5 min to spare means that I’ve to start from where ever I’ll be before 5 min with all the rush and all hysteria before such an exam it actually should be 10 but since it is second exam of the day much of that will not be seen; what I’d to witness in the morning was enough. Immediately I realized that I was smiling. However even if there is not much rush and all that some 7 min at the place wouldn’t hurt much…so that means 10 are done. 45 min.

I walked from here to there then I again walked back here. Then I would search for some there from where I would come back here. While, I’m in it I told myself that I’m searching for something. In the meantime whenever I come across some student who looked tensed, I thought, how can, someone be so tensed up at anything. I always felt if you know you deserve it you will not be tensed because you will have some unknown, unexplainable air of confidence about yourself, of the kind I-cannot-do-anything-wrong or I-know-that-I-Deserve-this. In my previous exams I used to laugh at those kinds of people. But today I didn’t want to laugh. May be because I somewhere deep down know that, I’m trying to take a similar kind exam where I don’t know if I’ll be able to clear this or not. But the difference is for them they are not sure they like the exam or not but I’m sure I hate it. They are giving an examination whose terms and guidelines are set by others and they evaluate it, but for me I’m everything and still I can’t give good marks to myself, nor modify rules to my convenience. Yet at the sight of those people I smiled to myself not at their tension, but at their doubt on their capabilities.

Once I found this game of going here and there is boring. I sat at a place and started thinking, about nothing in particular. The thoughts roamed from the exam center to college to our lecturers to school to tuition to home to Hyderabad to India to Andhra Pradesh to Hyderabad to childhood to dad to yesterday’s night to next holidays to my childhood’s vacations to this vacation of my cousins which they are enjoying to my predicament to IIT to this exam…Immediately at the thought of the exam I looked at the watch...that’s it…I’m done…as I gathered my stuff and started to exam room, I started to feel the same sensation of winning over time…I felt as if I thwarted it by wasting it. I suddenly felt disgusted at myself and understood what people go through when they feel what I just felt few minutes before.

As I was walking to my seat in the room, I realized that vivek has not yet returned from his cousin’s marriage. It is just few minutes before the start of exam so wondered that he may not be coming or will be late to the exam for the first time to my knowledge since I’ve known him. But as soon as I sat down at my desk, I found that he is talking to the invigilator. So he is in time as always.

Now I’m fully filled with enthusiasm for, I did great job with my Math’s paper, now I’m standing at place from where I can get a good rank in IIT and get into it, and last that I’m happy that I could get through the two hours unscathed from getting bored. I told myself I’ll do well in the exam. The invigilators started giving the question papers, we have to open them once the bell rings marking the start of the exam.

I waited with enthusiasm to get my paper. I’m sitting in fifth position from the start of the line and my line is second in the jurisdiction of our invigilator. The exam room is actually a big auditorium where there are at least some twenty to thirty columns and some 10 to 15 rows. Every set of invigilators (2 of them) are given some 6 or seven columns with all rows to invigilate. The invigilator started distributing the question papers from the line to my left. So I realized that she will have to give the entire left column and then give to the people sitting behind me and then to me…ah…god…I cannot wait…every minute seemed so long to take…I wanted run and get my paper immediately but that is not possible…I suddenly realized the irony…and sat still…when she came near my place while distributing the papers in the left column I realized the invigilators from the first exam have changed and this lecturer is same as the one who did invigilation when I wrote my prelims which apparently is in the same center. Wow good omen…I’m going to do well in this exam I thought…and my impatience increased exponentially…

She slowly, after giving all those who should be given before me, came near me and when I looked at her smiled at me, a smile of recognition, and gave me the paper and told the instructions, not open it till the bell rings and said ALL THE BEST and went ahead….
Hurray…I got the paper…I felt an urge to open the paper immediately not waiting till the bell rings…but I know I’ll have to wait and I will…I didn’t look up from my wrist watch I waited for it to say 2:00…Whenever the seconds hand completes a circular motion of 360degrees it looked deeply to confirm if it is the seconds hand and not the minutes hand…and suddenly its two…but no bell rang…few of the students asked the invigilators that it is time…they said no wait…I was holding the edge of the desk to sit still…suddenly they said YOU CAN START…With a swift motion of the scale, which is ready in its position, I cut the seal…I’m looking at the paper which is my key to the most prominent institute in the country…

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes…This is it I thought. Come on you can do it I told myself…and flipped through the questions in the sheet…suddenly I felt something is amiss…and I knew the answer immediately…I was staring at the page for the examiner to note down his marks for each question I answered…i.e., last paper of the question paper which is also the answer booklet…and which would remain the question paper and will not become answer booklet…I looked up…saw others…I felt like shouting…But I behaved myself…

I looked at the booklet's last page…and I realized I'm looking at another hour to be passed...another hour to be wasted...another hour of race with time...another hour I want to be deleted from my life... I DON’T KNOW ANSWERS TO ANY OF THE QUESTIONS…

Life...the reason to live...

I never knew what it is like facing death… I remember from the movies, people cry out for mercy to be spared when the villains come after their lives. I always thought that it is really dreadful thing to be about to die…

Now, as I stare into the face of death, what I’m feeling is not fear but some sense of indifference to the events happening in front of me and more horrifyingly to me. Horrifying not because they are happening to me, but because of my indifference about things that are happening to me.

Somehow I felt there is something amiss here. I wondered what it could be. As the person first in the line fell to the ground with a thud, the thought took backstage. Now the predicament, how much I and the people behind me depend on my answer is glaring at me. There is no points for trying. Even though I know that there are people ahead of me and any of them could give an answer that would stop all this and set us all free. But I somehow felt it comes down to me- My answer. The answer I do not know. I felt a strong urgency to find the answer. I cannot say if it is because I wanted to know the answer myself or I knew my answer would do it. It may be both. I am sure it is surely not because I have doubts on the capabilities of those ahead of me. In fact they placed me here because according to them... well, more innovative, no…funny…no…I don’t have an adjective that fits the kind of answer we have to give. Neither did they. But they felt, the answer those ahead of me can give would be better than mine and those behind me will be less worthy than mine. It applies to all of us. 

This idea of standing in this order was of the same person who stood first in the line and now fell. Everyone felt if the person with the ability to give best answer stands first and succeeds all of us can be saved. But they actually missed one simple flaw in this approach. Since everyone feels that the person before him should save them as he has better answer than his no one would think what is their answer. And if the 1^st person fails the second would be unprepared…so will be 3^rd if the 2^nd fails. I mentioned this when they proposed this idea. But I could not propose anything else. so I suggested random order. But it was ignored and I’m given my position. I thought I would get 2^nd position but it is not to be. Whatever, I thought.

I came back to reality as the next shot fired. I wanted to prepare, so that even if I fail I would have tried. But my mind wasn’t cooperating. I looked back to find some answer from people behind me or the vast woods beyond that. But I felt lost from what I saw. What I saw is just same faces of different features. Every face is looking ahead, drained out of life, like the one asking for alms but without the hope of getting anything in return. I couldn’t see them longer than few seconds. I could feel people behind me look at me with hopeless plea..It is as if they are asking me “Please say something, anything that has the capacity to save our lives. Save me, please. Because you are better than me.”

I wanted some confidence to get going, when I looked back. But looking back, all it did is drain all of it to say the least. Out of curiosity or for hope looked ahead breaking the line slightly. 

"What the HELL", I exclaimed under my breath. Well this is THE HELL I felt. It has to be. If this is not hell I should tell you then hell would surely be better than this. If something can break a person, a person of these peoples caliber and courage and experience, to this. Then it has to be Hell. Or else all of us are fearing the wrong thing. Fear this not Hell. 

What I saw, that's not the fear of death. In fact it looked like they are trying to asking to be taken first. "Please kill me", their expression said. 

I thought I must be dreaming. I remember the look few minutes before, immediately after we settled forming the line, on the same faces it was the look of envy, for having got a chance to live a few more minutes than them. It was as if they were sure we would die today. But do not want to. Now they want to die. That is when it stuck me, may be they did think of their answers and that led to this.

I understand why I felt it has to be me. I am felt so appalled at what I saw that I recognized the irony of the situation. For the first time I realized what the question we are trying to answer.

The leader of the group who captured us asked us. He had a strong base but cold voice…I remember I liked his voice when I first heard it. The question is:

“I know you all are innocent and I will leave you all if you answer this question

Why do you want to live? give me a satisfying answer and I will leave you all…Now you decide who among you would give me the answer…you all decide among yourself and stand in the line you want to answer no change in it once formed…and if the first one succeeds all of you can leave this place safe…you have five minutes to arrange…Remember WHY DO YOU WANT TO LIVE.”

The Irony here is that we are asked the reason for why we want to live and the question erased all the hope and want to live. The reason why I felt it will came down to me is even more evident to me. I just wanted to think of nothing but the answer for why do I want to live. I asked myself why do I want to live. 

Silence. 

This isn't working. So I changed it, what is it in "you" that makes you want to be a part of your life. I don’t know why but some were from deep down from the valleys of neurons filled with thick branches of axons and dendrites so closely packed, a small husky voice answered. There is no reason why you want to be part of your own life. I knew how much true that is. But I wanted it so badly to be not true. I remember the faces of those behind me…no I cant give up. I can't be the same as all those people ahead of me who turned up their faces. But now I know how those ahead are all feeling.

May be it wont work this way. I thought ok you want to know why do you want to live. But you are not getting an answer so lets do it the other way round. As we always do. The reason why people ask you to not to think too much.

You do not know why you want to live, so answer this 

"Why don’t you want to die?"

“No I’m not saying I don’t want to die. I don’t mind dying but not this way, not now, not here.”

Ok then. Why not now?

“Come on I know I’ll have to die some day. But not this way yaar. See I never thought about how should or how I want to die. No one will. But for me idea of dying was not as terrifying an aspect as I’ve seen in others. Even today I’m not terrified of it as much as others, but…”

What…

“I’m not terrified…yes…but that is not because that I’m not afraid of death…”

Then?

“Because I some how knew I’ll not die today…I somehow felt this is not it…I know that…”

That's cocky given your predicament. Ok then how do you want do die?

“I cannot say that…”

……

“Hey wait I can tell you that…how do I tell this…ok…when ever I’ve seen some young man trying to catch a running bus I always used to think ‘come on I can catch way before he could manage’ and whenever I’ve seen an middle aged man leaving a bus after trying for it I always told myself ‘I would not leave that when I reach his age’. Whenever I’ve seen an old man ask for a seat for not being able to stand for long, I used to tell myself ‘I would never ask for seat’. But every time I told these things some husky voice from deep within used ask me. 

‘Are you sure?’

I just stroked it off saying yeah I’m sure. But now here I’m admitting it to you, I mean me.

“I don’t want to die, because I want to reach the age where I’ll be strong that small children around me would look at me and say 

‘Oh He is so strong’.

I dont want to die now because I want to be in the place where foot boarding in a bus in a long journey would be fun as I can do all the gupshup with my friends, there. I don't want to die now because I want to be in the place where I would be going through the road and some child asks me 

‘Uncle, could you please pass me the ball’ pointing at the ball at my feet. I would pick up the ball and throw it far from his reach to show him I’m not UNCLE. 

I don’t want to die now because the small journey in a crowded bus, inside the bus, would be tough to handle and I scream at the first person who unknowingly brushes against me. Projecting my anger on him, anger on myself for feeling the pain in my legs. 

I don’t want to die now because I would want to be in the place where I would listen to my weakening muscles and tiring legs. 

I want not to die now, because I would want to look at the younger people who once appreciated my strength and ask their help to do some normal work. I don’t want to die now because though I know this could be the truth I want to show the people this is not necessarily the truth. 

To show them one can live in a far better way, even when one goes on with age, than what they are leading. I don’t want to die now because I want to see what it is like dying naturally. Not to go into its stretched arms screaming, but gracefully hugging it as a partner does it at reunion, with a mocking smile…”

I don’t know how but at this point I've realized this conversation is not in my thoughts but I’m giving my answer to the killer, but I didn’t stop, I cannot. I carried on

“I know there is not much in my life till now I can look forward to. I know that all that I’ve is more than I deserve. I’ve great parents, who gave me so many things at such a great expense. I’ve such a great friends who care for me more than I hope for and more than I can pay for. I’ve such a great partner who loves me more than I can pray for. With all these I’ve never done anything that I can deserve all these. I’m never a performer always a mediocre."

"Every time I meet new people "I always wonder what is he/she good at?" I would always get an answer sooner or later. For everyone except for one person. The person whom I see everyday in the mirror I never got an answer for him.

"Whenever I set out to do anything and find myself doing the mediocre job. Whenever I see my teammates look at me with a look a disgust when I go to them for help on some very silly matter, or with a look of mocking when they find out how much pocket-sized my areas of knowledge are. Whenever I see a great job done in the only best possible way I know how small I feel in front of my own eyes. 

I’ve been through all these, I know I’m a fighting hard not to be mediocre. So there is not much to look forward to based on my past. Still I don’t want to die now. Yes I don’t want to die now for the same reason anyone would want to die. 

"Yes I don’t want to die today because I’m a mediocre".

"I want to prove myself that I’m not the mediocre that I have made out of myself. I want to live to show myself I am far better.

"To prove the world that performers are not born but made. Yes I want to live because I want to prove every one who doubted my capabilities, it could be possible that it was only me who doubted and God I hope so. But I want to prove to all of them that I’m not a mediocre.

“I want to live to see the day when I conquer the world of my defeats and emerge the winner.”

All of a sudden all went completely blank as a great light blinded all our eyes. And once it all subsided we could see we are not in the dry forest but prosperous green lands. The killer is gone but a great saint is in front of me smiling more divinely and yet more humanly than I’ve ever seen. He said, in the same beautiful voice but now with warmth in it.

“Congrats mister, I was an Yaksha king called Veerathdraksha. I was here due to a curse given by a Maharshi for disturbing his tapasya. He cursed me that I would be a killer who would kill every one by draining all their want to live by asking questions. He cursed that their want to death will be my strength. I have to be here till I meet a person who could defy the want of death that my questions inspire, by their will and determination. Today your will has given me freedom. I cannot stop but appreciate your will and would like to give a boon. Go for it!”

I am in too much a shock to talk. I am happier that my answer has won than anything. But the boon, had I not found my answer today I would have asked for the shortcuts to reach there. But today I got all the reasons why not to. Then I realized I’m not the first in the line. So I asked him if he could revive the lives of the people who died today ahead of me. He granted it and vanished after telling us we would not repeat this to anyone, even if we wanted to. 

Once our shock subsided and people are done with praising we are yet again set on our path, to find the right path out of these woods.

The Theme...

Well after abandoning my first blog...the concept of which I hold so close to my heart...I wondered why I felt such a greater an urge to start a new one.

Till about two weeks after my first post I logged in continuously into blogger.com to either start some work for a new post or to complete the old uncompleted ones. But later on I felt a kind of guilt most of the times I opened the blogger.com - Guilt that I felt for abandoning it and not giving the blogging enough time. So to escape form that guilt I diverted all my energy into a compulsion...some sort of idiotic, senseless compulsion to complete the drafts.

It wasn't a compulsion that I felt, of doing justice, to the thoughts I had, by putting them into words properly and make sentences with consistency so that I can present what the journeys (the theme of my previous blog) meant to me...

It wasn't a compulsion, that I felt, at the anticipation of feeling of pride looking at the work I did in presenting the journeys-the journeys I hold so close to my heart, the journeys that mean so much to me, the journeys that have a prominent role in making the one writing this-in a manner that can give the reader the same kind of feeling I had when I was a part of it, not as I am now-then when I was working hard to complete them-as an outside observer looking at someone living their life, but as the person living it ...

But...

It is a compulsion of completing the drafts and posting them just to have them completed for the sake of completing it...I wanted them to be completed for some senseless purpose of completing them...I didn't want to do it that way...I realized it after many futile efforts to do the contradictory...Then I realized the compulsion is not of giving them shape...but having to keep the blog active...to have people not asking me questions like..."your last post is on December 25th last year. It's very inactive why so..." or " you see the purpose of blog is to express your thoughts feelings everything frankly and freely...it is a very good platform to say many things which you cannot say for varied set of reasons...but now if your blog is inactive it is like you are missing a very good chance" or "his blog...that’s Inactive...there is nothing there...yeah one post...but then you don’t call something a book if it has just an preface"...

And to admit frankly there are many questions similar to the mentioned ones, in fact with greater intensity and greater insult attached, asked by my inner self...so whenever they ask these questions I hate hearing to them...not because I don’t like to be pointed at...but because I know myself how guilty I am, not for the reason of having my blog showing only one post...but because of having so many potential posts saved as drafts. so most of the times I opened blogger not because I have some things on my mind that I remembered or some feeling I felt about some journey of the immediate past or past as such that can either be put as a new post or can complete old ones or to give some quality time to it so that I can properly recollect what that journey was and what I intended to write when I started it so I can take on from there, any of them should be "the" reason to open blogger...but I opened because I wanted to do something about those uncompleted posts saved as drafts so that I needn't have to listen to these questions...either from others or within myself

I wanted those drafts to be converted to posts obviously...because they are my products I want them to be with flesh and bones...not just as skeletons...but not that way...because then they would not be as I wanted them, as beautiful babies with innocence...but they will be ugly monsters with brutality...It is not till recently I realized that. And when I realized that, I understood that I would accept them to remain as drafts rather than become those monsters. Hence I've logged into the blogger.com immediately and undid the changes, if any; I've done solely to have them completed.

So after that I've decided I'll login into the blogger only when I feel like writing...so that I'll not give any chance of having those drafts converted into monsters...days went by...I happened to get transferred to Bangalore...and one day...march 3rd...I remember I felt some feeling growing in me...I still don’t know what it was...but I remembered it disturbed me...I was here in Bangalore on some project but the work wasn't started much for me by then...I couldn't handle that feeling anymore...so sitting in front of a monitor that was not mine...in some cubicle...which was also not mine...inside an ODC...which also turned out to be not mine...I took out a note pad...I was using to note down some points regarding the project...and started writing something whatever I was feeling and also, apparently without acknowledging to myself, thinking...whatever I wrote then is out of context for this post...

But that day after going to the room...I felt, while writing dairy...that I should start another blog...I then stroked it off...but that thought kept on pricking every now and then...to kick that thought out all I told myself was that I've already started one and it is so inactive that I don’t need another to join it...but I knew by then that I would start this...but I was waiting for an answer why another why not that, I mean my previous blog...even though I had the answer I tried to prove it wrong...so I started a post adding to the eternal list of drafts in my previous blog...but then that draft got deleted, unlike others remaining in drafts, giving me the reason and theme for starting this...that blog is about the journeys that I had taken...so whatever I write in them they should be about my journeys...the journeys I've taken...the incidents in which I've travelled in space or in time or in both...

For me travel means 5 things...source destination the traveler the route and the purpose...

Overall what I wanted to put in that blog are instances of my life where all these 5 factors are present and helped me in evolving...but what I'll be writing here has only one factor that is the traveler...So when I talk about me...What I feel or my works...then it is not a journey...and journey is the theme of that blog...Hence this came up...Here what you will find is just the output not the process to reach it...that is you will find my opinions but not the course which led to forming of those opinions of course you will get the reasoning but not what I had gone through to come there...My works...but not what made conceiving of that work from this mind of mine possible...

So that is the reason I found while futilely trying to write that deleted post in the previous blog...that I can put my opinions and works into it only after going against the theme of the blog...or I can change the theme...a theme which is really close to my heart...I realized that didn't want to take either of the choices.

So this blog came out...a blog where I'll write whatever I write...a blog without a theme...but with a purpose...

I should here quote two people, two of my friends...Taps and cnu...

Taps...He once asked me, I think it was when I said, that I am not being able to complete those uncompleted posts and am irritated about them-that was during the days when I put on those "otiose" efforts to complete them for the sake of completing- "don’t you feel the joy and happiness while writing...I always asked you to write so that you can experience that...that’s what I feel whenever I write..." Then all I could say is no...I don't remember if I said it out or not but I acknowledged it to myself...and that day I felt bad about the inability to enjoy the writing...and this discussion with him played a great role in stopping me from creating those monsters...but that is not why I broached that discussion...it is because now as I’m writing this I can feel the joy which he mentioned...thanks Taps...helping me find this joy...

Cnu...I have decided to write this only today...yesterday as per the calendar...and today as per my sleeping timings...and now...today he started his new blog...I called him up to give my opinions over his post...and after that we spoke at length about many things...and during the discussion he said..."why dont you blog madhu...it is you among all of us who should blog...your thoughts are so intense...and you are ideas are consistent...you should blog...if not it is like wasting them...you let them go of...that shouldnt be..."...I felt flattered after listening to this...and thanks to the untimely rain in Bangalore...I immediately came back to my cube to resolve the issue in the code...but however...after I realized that I need some inputs before go any further...I decided to write this because...after hearing to what he said...I felt it a duty to write...Thanks cnu...that really made my day today...

Now this blog is for me to write...that's it...