The Theme...

Well after abandoning my first blog...the concept of which I hold so close to my heart...I wondered why I felt such a greater an urge to start a new one.

Till about two weeks after my first post I logged in continuously into blogger.com to either start some work for a new post or to complete the old uncompleted ones. But later on I felt a kind of guilt most of the times I opened the blogger.com - Guilt that I felt for abandoning it and not giving the blogging enough time. So to escape form that guilt I diverted all my energy into a compulsion...some sort of idiotic, senseless compulsion to complete the drafts.

It wasn't a compulsion that I felt, of doing justice, to the thoughts I had, by putting them into words properly and make sentences with consistency so that I can present what the journeys (the theme of my previous blog) meant to me...

It wasn't a compulsion, that I felt, at the anticipation of feeling of pride looking at the work I did in presenting the journeys-the journeys I hold so close to my heart, the journeys that mean so much to me, the journeys that have a prominent role in making the one writing this-in a manner that can give the reader the same kind of feeling I had when I was a part of it, not as I am now-then when I was working hard to complete them-as an outside observer looking at someone living their life, but as the person living it ...

But...

It is a compulsion of completing the drafts and posting them just to have them completed for the sake of completing it...I wanted them to be completed for some senseless purpose of completing them...I didn't want to do it that way...I realized it after many futile efforts to do the contradictory...Then I realized the compulsion is not of giving them shape...but having to keep the blog active...to have people not asking me questions like..."your last post is on December 25th last year. It's very inactive why so..." or " you see the purpose of blog is to express your thoughts feelings everything frankly and freely...it is a very good platform to say many things which you cannot say for varied set of reasons...but now if your blog is inactive it is like you are missing a very good chance" or "his blog...that’s Inactive...there is nothing there...yeah one post...but then you don’t call something a book if it has just an preface"...

And to admit frankly there are many questions similar to the mentioned ones, in fact with greater intensity and greater insult attached, asked by my inner self...so whenever they ask these questions I hate hearing to them...not because I don’t like to be pointed at...but because I know myself how guilty I am, not for the reason of having my blog showing only one post...but because of having so many potential posts saved as drafts. so most of the times I opened blogger not because I have some things on my mind that I remembered or some feeling I felt about some journey of the immediate past or past as such that can either be put as a new post or can complete old ones or to give some quality time to it so that I can properly recollect what that journey was and what I intended to write when I started it so I can take on from there, any of them should be "the" reason to open blogger...but I opened because I wanted to do something about those uncompleted posts saved as drafts so that I needn't have to listen to these questions...either from others or within myself

I wanted those drafts to be converted to posts obviously...because they are my products I want them to be with flesh and bones...not just as skeletons...but not that way...because then they would not be as I wanted them, as beautiful babies with innocence...but they will be ugly monsters with brutality...It is not till recently I realized that. And when I realized that, I understood that I would accept them to remain as drafts rather than become those monsters. Hence I've logged into the blogger.com immediately and undid the changes, if any; I've done solely to have them completed.

So after that I've decided I'll login into the blogger only when I feel like writing...so that I'll not give any chance of having those drafts converted into monsters...days went by...I happened to get transferred to Bangalore...and one day...march 3rd...I remember I felt some feeling growing in me...I still don’t know what it was...but I remembered it disturbed me...I was here in Bangalore on some project but the work wasn't started much for me by then...I couldn't handle that feeling anymore...so sitting in front of a monitor that was not mine...in some cubicle...which was also not mine...inside an ODC...which also turned out to be not mine...I took out a note pad...I was using to note down some points regarding the project...and started writing something whatever I was feeling and also, apparently without acknowledging to myself, thinking...whatever I wrote then is out of context for this post...

But that day after going to the room...I felt, while writing dairy...that I should start another blog...I then stroked it off...but that thought kept on pricking every now and then...to kick that thought out all I told myself was that I've already started one and it is so inactive that I don’t need another to join it...but I knew by then that I would start this...but I was waiting for an answer why another why not that, I mean my previous blog...even though I had the answer I tried to prove it wrong...so I started a post adding to the eternal list of drafts in my previous blog...but then that draft got deleted, unlike others remaining in drafts, giving me the reason and theme for starting this...that blog is about the journeys that I had taken...so whatever I write in them they should be about my journeys...the journeys I've taken...the incidents in which I've travelled in space or in time or in both...

For me travel means 5 things...source destination the traveler the route and the purpose...

Overall what I wanted to put in that blog are instances of my life where all these 5 factors are present and helped me in evolving...but what I'll be writing here has only one factor that is the traveler...So when I talk about me...What I feel or my works...then it is not a journey...and journey is the theme of that blog...Hence this came up...Here what you will find is just the output not the process to reach it...that is you will find my opinions but not the course which led to forming of those opinions of course you will get the reasoning but not what I had gone through to come there...My works...but not what made conceiving of that work from this mind of mine possible...

So that is the reason I found while futilely trying to write that deleted post in the previous blog...that I can put my opinions and works into it only after going against the theme of the blog...or I can change the theme...a theme which is really close to my heart...I realized that didn't want to take either of the choices.

So this blog came out...a blog where I'll write whatever I write...a blog without a theme...but with a purpose...

I should here quote two people, two of my friends...Taps and cnu...

Taps...He once asked me, I think it was when I said, that I am not being able to complete those uncompleted posts and am irritated about them-that was during the days when I put on those "otiose" efforts to complete them for the sake of completing- "don’t you feel the joy and happiness while writing...I always asked you to write so that you can experience that...that’s what I feel whenever I write..." Then all I could say is no...I don't remember if I said it out or not but I acknowledged it to myself...and that day I felt bad about the inability to enjoy the writing...and this discussion with him played a great role in stopping me from creating those monsters...but that is not why I broached that discussion...it is because now as I’m writing this I can feel the joy which he mentioned...thanks Taps...helping me find this joy...

Cnu...I have decided to write this only today...yesterday as per the calendar...and today as per my sleeping timings...and now...today he started his new blog...I called him up to give my opinions over his post...and after that we spoke at length about many things...and during the discussion he said..."why dont you blog madhu...it is you among all of us who should blog...your thoughts are so intense...and you are ideas are consistent...you should blog...if not it is like wasting them...you let them go of...that shouldnt be..."...I felt flattered after listening to this...and thanks to the untimely rain in Bangalore...I immediately came back to my cube to resolve the issue in the code...but however...after I realized that I need some inputs before go any further...I decided to write this because...after hearing to what he said...I felt it a duty to write...Thanks cnu...that really made my day today...

Now this blog is for me to write...that's it...